Saturday, May 31, 2008

10 years

I have been wanting to post today.  Wanting too, but really not knowing what to say.  10 years seems like a life time ago.  So much has happened in the last decade.  Ralph and I have moved 5 times.  Ralph has gotten a degree,  I still don't have one.  We have had 3 beautiful daughters.  Ralph has baptized 2 of them.  I have discovered much about myself, my faith.  I have grown up.  I have been permanently marked.   I would not trade any of the experiences I have had the last 10 years.  That does not mean that I don't wish that I would have a 10 year old son running around.  I do wish that.  I do wish that I would not have had to say goodbye as I was saying hello.  I do wish that my husband had a son to teach what it means to be a man.  I do wish that my daughters had an older brother to defend them at school, even as he picked on them at home.  I have many wishes........
Even as I wish, I know.  I know that I trust the road God has lead us down.  I trust that the experiences I have had in the last 10 years have not been wasted.  I trust that I have grown.  I trust that I have a stronger faith.  I trust that every struggle has been a stepping stone in the path God wants for me.  And because I trust, I can be thankful.
So, happy birthday son.  You are wanting for nothing.  You are whole and healthy.  You are son who is missed.  You are a brother, who has given your sisters a connection to heaven.  I thank God for the opportunity to be your mother....

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills - 
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip-
he who watches over you will not slumber."
Psalm 121:1-3


Lori said...

Michelle, This is a song I found on another blog written by another mother who is unable to raise a child she loved and carried. It is a beautiful testament to giving ourselves to the only One who can carry our pain. I love you and I'm praying for you today and always.

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

Philip & Alicia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Philip & Alicia said...

Michelle, thanks for sharing your heart and for showing me it's ok to have those wishes...

Jill Barlow said...

I too, know what it feels like to have plans for a child, in my case, children, that never happened.

You have grown. You are my inspiration! I love knowing you, and having you to call to listen, keep me straight, and help me with my messy life!

I love you dearly!